Counseling Video - Health Relationships 2023

Hi,everyone.Thankyouforjoiningus.

Wewillbegettingstartedheresoononourconversationwithhealthyrelationships.

Inthemeantime,aswegoaheadand

finalizeandgettingeverythingreadyforInstagramLive,

pleaseenjoysomerelaxingmusic.

Hieveryone.Beforewegetstarted,

we'regoingtodoaquickintroduction.

MynameisJacquelineValdez.

I'mtheclinicalcasemanageroftheStudentCounselingCenter.

Hello,everyone.

I'mKaraMoore.

IamagraduateinternhereattheStudentCounselingCenter.

Todaywe'reheretotalktoyouabouthealthyrelationships.

Whatyoushouldknowaboutthem,

helpfultipsandjustgeneralinformationaboutaverycomplicatedtopic.

Relationshipsisnotassimplefull-onterminandofitself.

Therearesomanyareas,

somanydifferentrelationships,

whatmakesarelationship,

andeventhenwhatahealthyrelationship.

Theseareallthingsthatwe'regoingtodiscusstoday.

Beforewegetstarted,

IwanttothankyouagainforjoininguswiththeSCC,

theStudentCounselingCenterforourInstagramLive.

Wearegoingtoshareinformationbecause,

today'sValentine'sDay,sohappyValentine'sDay,everyone.

Pleaserememberthatthisis

alearningcommunityplatformwhichcannotguaranteeprivacyorconfidentiality,

meaningthatyourparticipation,

comments,evenjustlikingthevideo

orthepostofthevideoaftertherewerewrappeduptoday,

canandmaybeseenbyothers.

Pleasekeepthatinmindthatifyoudoaddthatorsharesomethingintoourcomments,

thingsthatyouwanttokeepprivate,

pleaseknowthatit'snotaprivateplace.

Ifyouhaveanyquestionsorifsomethingthatissharedtodayresonateswith

youormaybeit'ssomethingyou'dliketo

exploreortalkmoreinaprivateandconfidentialsetting,

pleaseknowthatallenrolledtomissthestudentscancallourmainline21-0784-1331,

andchoosescheduleanappointmenttospeakwithalicensedmentalhealthprovider.

Ofcourse,don'tforget,

weareavailable24/7formentalhealthemergencies.

Again,youcancallourmainofficeline21-0784-1331,

andafterhours,you'regoingtoselectOption2.

We'rejustgoingtowaitafewmoreminutesbeforewegetstarted.

Areyouready,Kara?

Yes.Wehaveafewquestions.

Thefirstoneis,

whatisarelationship?

Now,thatisamorecomplicatedquestionthatprovidesasimpleanswer.

Butthemostsimplestthatitcangetisthatarelationship

isthewayinwhichtwoormorepeopleareconnected,

orthestateofbeingconnectedandthewaythattheybehavetowardseachother.

Relationshipsconstitutesfamilyrelationships,

friendsorpeerrelationships,

classmates,therelationshipyouhavewithyourcoworkers,

yourboss,yourprofessors.

It'sreallyjustthecontextofhowweknow

eachotherandthewaythatweinteractwitheachother.

Definitelysoundscomplicatedscenario.

Wecanhaverelationshipswithanyone.

Butthatbeingsaid,

whatdeterminesahealthyrelationshipversusanunhealthyrelationship?

Healthyrelationshipstendtohavefiveprimaryelements.

Thefirstbeinghonesty,transparency,

accountability,ethicalactions,andproofofalliance.

Thisistheessenceofahealthyrelationship.

Now,characteristicsofanunhealthyrelationshiptypicallyemanatecontrol,

hostility,dishonesty,disrespect,dependence,

intimidation,andviolencethatcanbeeitherphysical,emotional,orsexual.

Thisistheessenceofanunsafeperson.

They'reverytwocleardifferenttypesofrelationships.

Youtouchedonthenextquestionregardingsafeandunsafepeople.

Whatdeterminesthat?

Thecoreofasafeperson,

whenyou'rewithsomeonethatissafeifwe'renottalkingaboutjustphysicalsafety.

Asafepersonbringsoutthebestinyouand

alsodrawsyouclosertowhoyouweremeanttobeasaperson,

whoyouareauthenticallyasyourself.

Beinginthepresenceofsomeonethatisasafeperson,

they'lldrawoutyourgifts,talents,

andhelpyoulovenotjustanotherpersonbetter,

buthelpyouloveyourselfbetter.

Thebestwaytofindasafepersonistobeginbybecomingone.

Whenyou'rewithsomeone,

there'snoquestionaboutwhetherornotyouweren'tphysically,

emotionally,ormentallysafeinthepresenceofthatperson.

Thatistheessenceofasafeperson.

Unsafepeoplecanbedestructiveandtheir

relationshipwiththemcanleadtogeneralunhappiness.

Theseindividualshaveainabilityorlackofdesirefortrueclosenesswithothers,

whatwecallvulnerability.

Thatcanlooklikepeoplewhoaresometimesconsideredabandoners.

They'rethepeoplewhoareenthusiasticto

startarelationshipbutthenyourarelyseeonethrough.

Forthecritics.

Theyarepeoplewhoaremotivatedbybeingjudgmentalandfixingmistakes.

Makesthembyshowingcompassionandtrulyhelpingandsupportingothers.

Theirresponsibles,whichcanbefunandspontaneous,

butyoucannevercountonthemtobethereforyou

whenyouneedthemtobereliableandstable.

They'reveryinconsistent.

Thesearethecharacteristicsofanunsafeperson.

You'renotsureifthey'reeventhereforyou,

youhavealotofdoubtabouttheirintentionstowardsyou,

ifyoudidn'twantthesamethings,

justalotofinstabilityandjustdieout.

Ithinksocietywouldcalltheseunsafepeoplesomethinglikearedflag.

Withthatbeingsaid,

whatarerelationshipflagsandwhatdothedifferentcolorsmean?

Youtouchedonthem.Thesilkflagsingeneral

arejustindicatorsofthingsthatwe'relookingfor,

arelookingoutforandrelationshipsthatmakeourinstinctgo,

thisdoesn'tseemright.

Thisdoesn'tfeelright.

Idon'tknowifIlikethisandit'simportantto

haveanunderstandingofwhatyou'relookingforinarelationship,

butit'salsoimportanttoknowwhatyou'reavoidinginarelationship.

Redflags,asyoumentioned,

areourwarningflags.

Theseareflagsthatindicateunhealthyormanipulativebehaviors.

ThinkaboutearliertohowIdescribeunhealthyrelationships.

Thiscouldincludeboundariesthatarebeingcrossed,

likevalues,ideas,orevenyourphysicalbody.

Thesebehaviorsortraitsthatintentionallycauseharmtosomeoneelse.

They'retypicallydealbreakers.

Ifthesearepresent,

thesearethingsthatyouarenotgoingtobeinarelationshipwiththisperson,

whetherit'sfamily,friend,coworker,orromantic.

Theseareyourdealbreakers.

Theothercolorscanbealittletrickiertodeterminewhat

theyaresoanotherlesserhardcolorisyellowflags.

Thesearethesubtlewarningsignsthat

representbehaviorsortraitsthatwemaynotnecessarilyfeelcomfortablewith.

Butyou'renotsureifit'sadealbreaker.

Yellowstendtobesomethingthatisn'tharmful.

It'snotaseriousthreat,

butsomethingthatyoudon'thaveincommonwithanotherpersonorwishyoudid.

Foranexample,ifit'sayellowflag,

ifyouguysdon'thavethesamemusictastes,

oryoudon'tlikethesamemovies.

Thesearen'tanissueinandofitselfbecauseyoucanrenegotiateorcompromiseso,

Kara,what'syourfavoritemusic?

R&B,Ofcourse.

Okay,soifthereisanR&Bconcertandyou'relike,

Ireallywanttogoandyou'reinvitingme.

I'mnotgoingtogotoeveryR&Bconcertwithyou.

ButImightgotooneortwojusttobetherewithyou.

I'mnotgoingtotellyounottoplayitinthecarifwe'redrivingtogether.

I'mgoingtonegotiatesoIlike,

let'ssayI'mabigrockandrollbandthenIlikeMetallica.

Ifyoudon'tlikeMetallica,

you'regoingtocooperatewithmeandlike,

okay,we'renotgoingtopickaMetallicaallday,everyday.

Butthere'sgoingtobeacompromise.

Noworangetendstobealittlebitclosertobeing

thatdealbreakerbecauseit'snotpainfulyet.

Buttheseareissuesofpowerandcontrolso,

ifIweretotellyou,

Idon'tlikeitwhenyouwearthatoutfit,

it'snotcausinganyphysicalharm.

Butitisstartingtoemanatecontroloversomebodyelse'sownautonomy,

whichistheabilitytogovernyourself,

makeyourownchoices.

Orangeflagscanlooklikespendinglessandlesstimedoingthingsthatyouenjoy.

Tiptoeingaroundfromthatpersontonotmakethemupset,

dismissingyourownboundariesandbeliefsthing.

It'sfine.It'sokaywhenitdoesn'tfeellikeitis.

Basically,you'rechangingeverythingaboutyourlife

andhowyougoaboutwhatyourlifearoundtheotherperson,

prioritizingtheirneedsandwantsoveryourown.

Thisthinkagainofhowwethinkaboutunsafepeople.

Ifyou'rehavingtochange,

ifthere'snocompromise,

thenyou'reprobablylookingatanorangeflag.

Now,greenflagsare,

theseareyourgosigns.

Thesearethethingsthatyouareactivelylookingforinapersonorarelationship.

Theyarealsopositiveindicatorsthataconnection

hasthepotentialtoflourishintoasafe,

healthy,andlastingrelationship.

Thinkofwhatweknowabouthealthyrelationshipsandsafepeople.

Thefeelingofhonesty,feelingsafe,

feelingthatyoucantrustyourvulnerabilitywithsomebodyelse,

thatyouknowwhereyoustandwiththatperson.

Withthatandsayingthatwelearnalotofthingsthroughexperiences.

Wouldyousaythatone'schildhoodreallyimpactsarelationship?

I'mnotgoingtopretendthatithasabsolutelynothingtodowith

thewaythatwenavigaterelationships.

Becauseinchildhood,that'sourfirstexperiencewithrelationshipswithourparents,

withoursiblings,withourclassmatesinelementaryschoolorpre-korkindergarten,

orrelationshipswithteachers.

Wedotendtohaveacomposite

oranoverallpictureofpeoplewhoinfluencesinthepast.

Fromthelooks,personality,

toneofvoice,behaviorandothertraits,

andpeoplewilltendto

gravitatetowardsrelationshipsthatresembletheonesthattheyarefamiliarwith.

Thiscouldbechoosingtobeinarelationshipeitherintentionally

orunintentionallybecauseyouknowwhatto

expectfromapersonwiththattypeofpersonality.

Psychoanalystsactuallyrefertothisas

repetitivecompulsionoranunconscioustendencytowanttofixthepast,

torecreateit,ormakeitbetter.

Researchdoesshowthatourchildhoodhas

aprettygoodinfluenceonourattachmentstyles,

whichisadistinctstyleandhowsomebodyelsewillrelatetoanotherperson.

Therearefourprimarytypes,

anxious,avoidant,disorganized,

andsecureandsoknowinghowyoutendtobuildarelationshipwithsomeoneelse

isgoingtohelpdeterminehowmuchofanimpact

yourchilddoeshaveonyourrelationshipstoday?

We'velearnedsomuchjustinthislittletimeaboutrelationshipsand

peopleinhealthyrelationshipsandgreenflags,andredflags.

IfI'msomeonewho'sgettingallthisinformation,

I'mnowreallynervous,

reallyanxiousaboutmeetingsomeonenew,

whetheritbefriendshiporrelationship.

WhatdoIdointhatsituation?

No.Sometimesinlifewegothroughreallycomplicated,

reallystickyexperiencesthatjuststickwithus.

Wecallthisrelationalanxietyorsocialanxiety,

whichisinrelationship,

relationalanxietyisverydifferentfromsocialanxietyformanyreasons,

sothere'smanyreasonswhysomeonemightexperiencerelationalanxiety.

Itcouldbebecauseofpasthurtfulexperiences.

Orifyou'reprogrammedtobeanxiousorfearfulfromthestartofthem.

Thinkofsomebodywho'sneverexperiencedapositive,safe,healthyrelationship.

Anytimetheyhavetobuildanewrelationshipwithsomeone,

it'sgoingtofeelterrifyingbecauseyoudon'tknowifyou'resafewiththatperson.

Here'swhatyoucandoifyou'refeelingalotofanxiety.

One,istosurroundyourselfwithemotionallysafepeople.

Themoreyoufeelsecureinyoursupport,

themorelikelyyou'regoingtofeelsafe

branchingoutandtakingrisksinmeetingnewpeople.

Thesecondthingyouwanttodoismake

surethatyou'reaskingforwhatyouwantandwhatyouneed.

Inthosemoments.

Sometimeswecanfeelpressuredto

makeafriendandgiveoutourphonenumbersrightaway,

giveoutourInstagramorsocialmediapagesrightaway.

Ormaybesometimeswehavepeoplethatreallywanttogettoknowusreallyquickly.

We'renotquitereadytomoveasfastastheyare,

somakesurethatyou'reaskingtoslowdown

ifthat'swhatshereadandthatit'snotanythingpersonal,

butyoujustwanttotakeyourtimegettingtoknowaboutperson.

Ofcourse,youalsowanttoprocessthepainof

pastrelationshipsandwereallyencouragedoingthisin

therapysothatyouhaveasafe

andcontrolledenvironmenttoprocessdifficultexperiences.

Thisissothatyourcurrentexperienceinbuilding

newrelationshipsisn'tasimpactedbythepast.

Weallwanttostrivetobenon-judgmentaland

I'mnottalkingaboutjustnotjudgingabookbyitscover.

Whenwemeetpeople,

wewillnotmakingfirstglancejudgments,

butalsobeingkindtoyourself.

Ifyouarenotreadytomakeanewrelationship,

bekindtoyourself.

We'renotalwaysobligatedtobuildanewrelationshipifyouarecomfortable

exactlywhereyouareandofcoursemaintainyoursenseofself,

ofknowwhoyouare,feelcomfortablewithwhoyouare,

andbeproudofwhoyouaresothatyou'relesslikelyto

besusceptibletounsafepeopleandthisofcourse,

tiesintominimizingpeoplepleasingtendencies.

Beingmindfulifyou'reconnectingwithsomeonefor

reasonslikelonelinessinsteadofwantingtrueconnection.

Ofcourse,whatdoesconnectingtothispersonmeantoyou?

Whatdoyouwantittomeantoyou?

Doyouwantsomethingthat'ssignificant?

Doyouwantitonsomethingthat'smomentarily?

Makessureyou'rereallydefiningwhatitisyouwantoutoftherelationship.

AbsolutelyandIwanttotouchonsomething

thatyouhadmentionedaboutpeople,you'resaying.

Thisissomethingthatistalkedaboutoften.

Whatisitandwhywouldonebeapeoplepleaser?

Peoplepleasingisthepatternofbehaviorinwhichyoumay

findyourselfoftenveryself-conscious.

Conflictavoidance.

Ifyoufinditdifficulttosayno,

orifyoufindyourselftellingotherswhattheywanttohearandso

thisisverydifferentthanjustbeingsomebodythat'scarrying.

Somebodythat'scarrying,

you'regoingtomeetsomebodyelse'sneedsorhelpthemmeettheirownneeds.

Inspite,whenyou'repeoplepleasing

you'reneglectingyourownneedstomeettheneedsofsomebodyelse.

There'salotofreasonsofwhythiscouldhappen.

Itcouldbealearnedtraumaresponse,

whichisessentiallybewhereyouabandonyourself.

Thisisalsocalledfawningandsopleasethinkofpleasing,

complementing,orgratifyingtoregainasenseofsafety.

Researchshowsthatasaresult,

individualscanbecomeveryadeptatreading

othersmoodsandoftentotheexclusionoftheirown.

Theyhabituallybecomeouterfocusedandtheylosetouchwithwhat'sgoingonwiththem.

Thesearethepeoplewhoareveryself-awareofsubtleshiftsintones,

subtleshiftsinfacialbehavioras

bodylanguageandthey'reverysensitivetothoseshifts.

Now,ifit'snottrauma-related,

becauseitverywellcouldnotbetrauma-related,

itcouldalsobeinwhichthewayyouweretaughttoreceivelove,

meaningthatyoumaynothavebeenrecognized,

validatedinyouremotionsandexperiencesbyothers.

Youlearntoneglectyourownneedsbyhyperfocusingonthefeelingsandneeds

ofothersbecausethat'swhenyoudidreceivepraisethisleadstoaffection.

Ofcourse,itcouldalsobearesponsetooppressionorstigma.

Someoneinapositionoffinancialinsecuritymight

havetochoosebetweenpeoplepleasingnetwork

orwiththeirpartnerorlivingonthestreetandbecomingunabletofeedtheirchildren.

Folkswhofacewidespreadoppressionandstigmalike

marginalizedpopulationssuchaspeopleofcolor,theLGBTQIAcommunity,

andmanyotherpopulationsthataremarginalizedmightfeelforcedtotolerate

difficultsituationsorrisk

furtherharmandsometimestheveryrealthreatofviolence,

andsotheyturntopeoplepleasingasawaytoavoid

furtherdifficultsituationsorsituationsinwhichtheyarecompletelypowerless.

Youhadsaidsomethingabouttrauma.

Again,withallofthatI'velearnedinthesefewmomentsheretogether,

whathappensiflet'ssayIhaveareallynegativepastandthere

istoomuchtraumathat'saddingtotheanxietyofbuildingrelationships.

WhatdoIdothat?

Ifyou'veexperiencedtrauma,

beingvulnerableinrelationshipsmayrevealoldwounds

thatneverhealedorneverhealedproperly.

Eachnewconnectionyoumakewithsomeone,

thenwhetheritbeasurfacelevelconnectionor

whetheritbesomethingthatistrulycomingfrom

avulnerablepartofyoucanbeverychallengingbecauseforyou,

itisanopportunitytofinallybefulfilled

ortosufferyetanotherpotentialheartache.

Thetraumaticexperiencesaltertheabilitytoconnectwithpeopleauthentically.

Youbuildwalls,

andfearistheguidethatkeepsyoufromconnectingwithotherpeople.

Well,you'reconstantlythinkingofworst-casescenarios,

whetherornotyoucantrustsomeone,

whetherornotthey'regoingtobetrayyou,

whetherornotthey'regoingtohurtyouorevenstick

aroundlongenoughtobuildarelationshipwith.

Youstarttodevelopunhealthycopingskills.

Traumacouldalsoreallyimpactyourviewof

theworldandyourviewofyourselfonsomanylevels.

Itchangesyourthoughts,

itchangesyourfeelings.

Itchangesyourabilitytotrust,

anditevenchangesyournervoussystem.

Itgoesfurtherthanjustemotionalchanges.

You'realsotalkingaboutphysiologicalchangesandsometimesbiologicalchanges.

Forthoseofyouwhomighthaveapenandpaperaround,

thereisabookcalled,

TheBodyKeepstheScore,

andit'sabouthowyourbodystillremembersthetraumathatyou'vegonethroughinlife.

You'relookingatmental,emotional,physiological,

andbiologicalchangestoyourentiresystem,yourentirebeing.

Traumacanhaveahugeimpact.

Butofcourse,

guyswealwaysencourageyoutoconnectwithus.

Cometothecounselingcenter.

Wehavetrainedindividualstohelpyouprocessthesetypesofpastexperiences.

Absolutely.Whataboutthejagswhoareinarelationship?

Howwouldyouadvisethemtoavoidconflictintheirrelationship?

Verysimple.Thereisaverysimpleanswertoavoidingconflictinanyrelationship.

Theansweris,youcan't.

Conflictispartofeveryrelationshipofeverykind.

It'sjustpartoflife.Wearegoingtodisagreeandthatisokay.

Itisokaytohaveconflict.

Conflictcanactuallybeproductive,

andwhenhandledinahealthywayitcanleadtogreaterunderstandingofoneanother.

Iflet'ssayIalwaysleavethetrashout.

You'regoingtobecomeupseteventuallyandit'simportantthatyoubring

thattomyattentionsothatyouandIcancollaborateonwhat'sgoingon.

WhydoIkeepforgettingthetrash?

WhydoIkeepleavingunwasheddishesinthesink?

WhatisgoingoninmydaythatIcan'tremember

thesesimplebutveryimportanttasksthatarecausingyoustress?

Howcanweapproachthistogetherandfindasolution?

Angerandfrustrationarenormalandhealthyemotionsand

whattypicallymakestheseemotionsfeeluncomfortable,

unhealthyorunsafeistheactionsorbehaviorsthatcan

extendfromthemwhenthey'reunfilteredorimpulsive,

likeyelling,throwingthings,swearingorcursing.

That'swhyit'sveryimportanttobeproactivewiththeconflict.

Tryingnottobottleitup

insideofyoubecauseeventuallyyou'regoingtoexplodeandthenyou're

goingtosaysomethingyoudon'tmeanto

sayorsomething'sgoingtohappenthatyoudon'tmeantodo.

Ilikehowyoumentionedthatfrustrationandangerthey'rehealthy,

thoseareokayemotions.

Withthatbeingsaid,

howwouldonebeabletolearntobetter

managethoseemotionsorjustconflictingeneral?

Managingangerandfrustration,

thebestthingthatyoucandotomanagethatisto,

one,acknowledgeit.

Acknowledgewhenyou'reangryorwhenyou'refrustratedbecauseouremotions

becomesomuchlouderwhenwetrytoignorethemorifwetrytoburythemalive.

Now,theotherthingisyouwanttoexpressthemandyouwanttoexpressthem

appropriatelywithexactlywhatyouneedandwhatitisthatisfrustratingyou.

You'dneverwanttobeexplosivewithyouranger

becauseitcanbesoeasilytobeexplosivewithyourangerandfrustration.

Focusingoncommunicatingyourwantsandneedsmeans

manyconflictscantakeaturnfortheworst

becauseofmistakesmadeinthewaywecommunicate.

It'sveryimportanttofocusonnotjustwhatyouwanttosay,

buthowyou'resayingit.

Ourself-carepacketsandI'mgoingtograbonerighthere.

Wehavetheseself-carepacketsinourlobby.

Youcancomeinandaskforone.

I'lljustgraboneoff.

Youcanalsoemailusandaskforustoemailyouacopyofthisself-carepackage.

Becauseonthesecondpage,

butontheback,wegiveyou

allthetipsandtricksyouneedtoeffectivelycommunicateyourneeds.

Alotofthetimesweknowwhattheproblemis,

wejustdon'tknowhowtosayitinawaythat

theotherpersonwho'sinvolvedcanunderstand.

Well,speakingofcommunication,

Iwanttoturnthewheelalittlebittoconsent.

Wetalkaboutiteverywhere.

It'soncampuseverywhere.

Whatisconsentandwouldyousayisimportant?

Consentissoimportant.

Youneedconsentineverythingyoudoinarelationship.

Otherwiseyou'reholdingsomeonehostagewithoutconsent.

Consentmeanscommunicationeverystepoftheway.

Ifyou'rethinkingaboutafrontendrelationship,

consentcanbeassimpleas,hey,

Iwasplanningondoingthis,wouldyouliketojoinme?

Invitational.Askingforconsentisinvitational.

Hey,somebodyinclasssaidtheyneededtogetaholdofyou,

isitokayifIgivethemyourcellphonenumberbecausetheydon'thaveyournumber?

Insteadofjustgivinginformationaway,

likecheckinginwiththeperson.

Ifyouturntomorerelational,

romanticrelationships,becausethisiswhereweseeconsent.

Weseeconsentinmostconversationsinromanticorsexualrelationships.

It'simportantthatyoudon'tjust

assumethatyourromanticpartneriscomfortablewithanyaction.

Itrequiresaclearandenthusiasticyes.

Ifyou'regettingayeah,

that'snotconsent.They'renotcomfortable.

Theydon'tfeelsafe.

Ifitmightbehelpfultopauseandcheckinwiththem.

Meaning,ifsomeoneseemsunsure,

iftheystaysilent,

theydon'trespond,

ortheysaymaybe,

thatisnotyes.

Yesmeansyes.

Maybedoesnotmeanyes.

Ashouldershrugdoesnotmeanyes.

Let'slookatthenon-verbals.

Lookatiftheydon'tgiveyouaverbalanswer,

lookattheirbodylanguage,

lookattheirfacialexpression.

IfI'mmakingthisspace,

thatisnotayes,

andthatisdefinitelynotenthusiastic.

Consentalsomeansbreakingawayfromthepreconceivednotionsofgenderroles.

Therearenorulesastowhocaninitiate

intimacyandwhomightwanttotakeitfastorslow.

Rememberhowwetalkedaboutearlierstatingwhatwewantoutofarelationship,

especiallyexpressingourneedsifwe'renot

comfortableatthespeedarelationshipismoving,

that'swhereconsentcomesintoplaybecause

youdon'twanttorushintotherelationship.

Ifwe'rerushedtothenextthing,

ifthepersonyou'rewithinthatmomentdoesn'tfeelcomfortable,

sothemorecomfortableyoufeelexpressingyourboundariesanddesires,

themorepleasurableyourinteractionstogetherwillbe.

Consentisnotabehavior.

Dressingacertainway,flirting,

acceptingaride,agift,

adrink,asnack,

itisnotaformofconsent.

Becauseconsentisnotabargain,

it'snotadeal,

it'snotatrade-offof.

Yousayyestothis,Igetthis.

That'snothowthatworks.

Forexample,Iseethesecutelittlecouplescouponsallthetime.They'recute.

Whenitsays,here'sacoupononme,

I'llbuydinner,here'sacoupononme,I'llmakedinner,

here'scoupononme,I'llwashthedishes,

I'lldoachoreorIwilldosomething.

Here'sacouponforme,

youowemeofsexualfavor.

That'swhereconsentcangetalittletrickybecauseconsentisnotabehavior,

it'saverbalization,andyoushouldalwayscheckinwithperson.

Neither.Scientistsalsonotsaying

yesornotsayingnowhileundertheinfluenceofdrugsoralcohol.

Ifyou'reundertheinfluenceandsomebody

istryingtogetyoutosayyestothinksomething

oryou'reundertheinfluenceandtheysay,

well,theydidn'tsayno.

Well,theycouldn'tsayyeseither.

It'simportanttoknowthatwherewearementallytoo.

Isthepersonthatwearetryingtoengagewith,

aretheycapableofsayingyesinthatmoment?

Ofcourse,feelingpressured

tosayyesorbecauseyou'reafraidtosaynoisalsonotconsent.

Ifyoufeellikeyouhavetoconvincesomeonetosayyes,

youarepressuringthemandthatisnotconsensual.

There'salwaysthispreconceivednotionthatifwe'recaughtupinthemoment

andthingsaregettingheatedandthey'reromanticandI

stopforamomentandsay,doyouconsent?

It'lljustkillthemood.

Herearesomewaystoget

atemperaturecheckwiththepersonyou'rewithbeforegoingfurther.

Youcanask,areyoucomfortable?

Isthisokay?

Doyouwanttoslowdown?Doyouwanttogo?

Theseareeasierwaysofaskingforconsentwithoutsayingthepause.

DoIhaveyourconsent?

Becauseyoudon'twanttotreatitlikeit'salegaldocumentorequalagreement.

Butyoudowanttomakesureyouhavecommoncourtesycheckinginwiththeperson.

Itisimportanttogetconsenteverytime.

Evenifyou'vedonesomethingbeforeoryou'reinacommittedrelationship,

it'sveryimportanttocontinueconsent.

Apersoncandecidetostopanyactivityatanytime,

evenifthey'vepreviouslyagreedtoit.

Ifyouareinthethroesofbeingintimatewithsomeoneandtheydecidetostaystop,

I'mnotcomfortablewiththis,

thatisperfectlyokay.

Consentisfromstarttofinish.

It'sanongoingcircle.

Itneverends.

Absolutely.Talkingaboutconsentandrelationships,

Ithinksometimesthere'sthisfearof,

well,it'sexpectedofmetodo,

it'sexpectedofmetoactthiswayortogoalongwiththis?

Whatwouldyousaytheroleofexpectationsareinarelationship?

Expectationsarenotnecessarilyjustforyou,

howyouaresupposedtobeinarelationship.

Expectationscanbereallyhelpfulinthattheyhelpyouknowhowyouwanttobe

treatedinarelationshipandwhatyouvalueinarelationship.

Ofcourse,itdeterminescompatibility.

Havinghighexpectationsisn'tnecessarily

abadthingaslongasthey'rerealisticexpectations.

Ifwetalkaboutthecharacteristicsofahealthyrelationship,trust,autonomy,

thecharacteristicsthatwementionedearlier,

thosearenotconsideredunrealisticallyhighexpectations.

Iwouldsaythey'reprettyrealistic.

IwantyoutofeelsafewhileI'mwithyou.

IwanttofeelvaluedwhenI'mwithyou.

Iwanttofeelmyopinionmatters.

Iwanttofeelmyneedsareofequalmeasuretoyourneeds.

Thosearerealistic,buthighexpectationsbecausethey'renotthebareminimum.

Whenwetalkaboutthebareminimum,

we'retalkingabouthowresearchshowsthatpeoplewith

lowerexpectationstendtobeinarelationshipwherethey

aretreatedpoorlybecauseexpectationsthey'renotlikelevels.

It'sacontinuum,it'slikeaswingandaspectrum.

Ifyou'vegotfromheretohere,highandlow,

andyou'rejustgoingtosay,well,

nobodycanmeetthishighexpectations.

I'mjustgoingtoleteverybodygettothebareminimum.

Thesearethethingsthatyoudon'tnecessarilylike,

butthey'renotdealbreakers.

Thenyou'realwaysgoingtobeinarelationshipwhereyou

alwayshavetocompromiseonthebareminimum.

It'simportanttohavethatspectrumofhighexpectations.

WhichIthinkwhatfollowsthatisboundaries.

Again,somethingthat'salwaystalkedaboutandintimidating.

Whatwouldyousaytheroleofboundariesisinarelationship?

Boundariesareimportantforthehealthof

yourrelationshipandforkeepingyousafephysically,

mentally,emotionally,andspiritually.

Therearemanyareasofwellnessandboundariesaretheretokeepyousafe,

yourwholewell-beingsafe.

Sometimeswearetaughtthatsayingno,

settinglimitsordecliningarequestispoliteorevenmean,

andthatarelationshipwillsufferifyoudon'tmakeeveryonearoundyouhappy.

Thefactofthematteriswecan'tmakeotherpeoplehappy.

Itisnotourresponsibilitytomakeotherpeoplehappy.

Boundarieshelpexpresswhatyourneedsarerespectfullytothepeopleinyourlife.

Isitfamily,friends,

andcolleagues,insteadofsufferinginsilence.

Ifyoufeelthatyouarestrugglingwithsettingboundaries,

Ireallywanttoencourageyoutoconnectwithus

becausesettingboundariesisaverydelicatescale.

Ittiesbackintocommunicatingyourneeds,

howtocommunicateeffectively.

Therearedifferenttypesofboundaries.

Therearerigidboundaries.

Ifwelookatthoserelationshipblogs,

they'reyournon-negotiablesboundaries.

IfItellyouno,itisno.

Thenyouhaveyouryellowandorangerangeboundarieshere.

Iliketocallthemnegotiableboundaries.

I'mnotcomfortablewhenthishappensorwhenwedothis.

Isthereawaythatwecanreadjustsothatit'scomfortableforbothofus?

Thentherearelooseboundaries.

Theseareboundariesthatyoudon'tnecessarilymindwhenthey'rebroken.

Areallygoodexampleofalooseboundarywouldbe,

heyKara,I'mgoingtobeoutoftheofficeafter5:00.

I'vegotanappointmentafter.

Iwon'tbeavailablefortherestoftheday.I'moutofoffice.

Canyoutrynottocallme?

Ifyoucallmeanyway,I'mnotgoingtobeexceptthatyoucalledme.

Iamgoingtotalkabout,

Iwouldpreferthatyoudon't.

Ifmybedtimeislet'ssay10o'clock,

nowcanIturnmyphoneonsilent,

andorifIjustdon'twanttoreceive

phonecallsortextmessagesafter10o'clockI'mnotgoingtobeupset.

I'mnotgoingtoblockyou.I'mnotgoingtoendarelationshipjustbecausehe

messagedmeorcalledmeafter10:00.

ButIamgoingtoremindyouthatIdon'tlikeitwhenyoucallmeafter10:00.

That'sanexampleofalooseboundary,

butit'sstillaboundary.

Ifyoufeelyou'restrugglingwithpracticingandestablishingboundaries,

notjustsettingthemingeneral,

butstickingtothem,

that'swhereitcangetreallytricky.

Ifyoufeellikeyourstrugglewithboundaries,

IreallydowanttoencourageyoutocometotheStudentCounselingCenter.

Weareexpertsinnegotiatingboundaries.

Absolutely.

Whatifwehavesomeoneeitherhereonlineorjust

outtherewhodon'tfeelsafeintheirrelationship,

howcantheygethelpandsupport?

Ifyouorsomeoneyouknow,afellowJaguar,

don'tfeelsafeinarelationship,

youcanalwaysreachouttoouroffice.

We'reavailable24/7formentalhealthemergencies.

Beinginamentalhealthemergency,

youdon'thavetobesuicidalorhomicidalinthatmomenttoreceiveour24supportline.

Ifyouareinthethroes,

ifyoudon'tfeelsafe,

ifitfeelstheworldiscrashingdownaroundyou.

Iwanttoencourageyou,

I'llbethefirstonetoinviteyoutocallus.

Pleasecallus.Weareheretosupportyou.

Thereareotherofficesoncampusthatcanalsohelpsupportyouasidefromouroffice.

There'stheOfficeofVictimRights.

YoumightknowthemasOfficerKarenTuckerandOakley.

I'maverybigfanofOakley.

Thenofcourse,wealsohaveourTitleIXCoordinator,Dr.JoniBaker.

She'sgoingtohelpyounavigate

allactsofdiscriminationandviolencewhenit'soncampus.

OurUniversityPoliceDepartmentisalwaysavailableforyou.

Ifthere'ssomethinggoingononcampusandyouneedhelpfor.

Orifyou'restrugglingwithafellowclassmates,

ormaybeit'saroommate,

orevenifit'sjustanothermemberofourcampuscommunity,faculty,

staffmemberorwhoeveritis,

ifthey'reamemberofourcommunity,

thatyou'restrugglingwiththem,

thenwhereyoudon'tfeelsafe.

Wealsohaveanofficeofstudentrightsand

responsibilitiesthatischairedbyMs.RosaSandoval.

Sheisthemanagerofrightsandresponsibilities.

They'retheretohelpsupportyoualso.

We'llgoaheadand

enterthenamesofthoseofficesandtheircontactnumbersinthechat.

Thenwe'lltryandsendapostafterwardofthoseofficespace.

Well,thishasbeenalotofinformationofgoodinformation.

Movingforward,ifIoranyonewaswanting

tolearnmoreorjusttoknowwhattodowithallthisnewinformation,

whatwouldyouadvise?

Wewereallyonlytouchedontheicebergtipofthisconversation,thistopic.

There'ssomuchmorethatmakesuprelationships,

especiallydifferenttypesofrelationships.

Becausewewentoveralotofinformationaboutrelationships,attachmentstyles,

communicationstyles,theimpactsofpastexperiences,andtrauma,

andboundaries,ifyouwouldliketolearnmore

abouteverythingwe'vecoveredtodayorthingsthatmaynothavebeencoveredtoday,

Ireallydowanttoencourageyoutoreachouttous,andscheduleanappointment.

Allstudentscanbeseenforaninitialconsultationwithin24-48hours

toexploremorewhichyou'recuriousonmore

whicharestrugglingwithatrainedmentalhealthprofessional.

Wehaveafantasticteam.

Nameitthatwedoalotoftraining,

alotofinformationsharing,

beingonrelationshipsandothersandhowitcan

impactourmentalhealthandoveralllifefunctioning.

Well,thankyou.Thankyouforalloftheinformationandsharing.

Thankyouforhelpingourstudentsaskthesequestions.

Thankyoutoeveryonethatwasabletostickthroughtheentirepost.

Ifyouweren'tabletoseetheentirepost,don'tworry.

It'sgoingtobeavailablehereon

ourInstagrampagesoyoucanalwaysgoandwatchitlater.

Thankyouagaineveryoneforspendingtimewithus.

HappyValentine'sDaytoyou.

HappyValentine'sDay,everyone.

Bye.

Bye.